Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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