Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
