Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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