You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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