I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
