i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
