This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
