i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just gift wrapped bread.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
