dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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