I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
