I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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