Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
