Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
