her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Dick very happy bro
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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