Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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