You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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