It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
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It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
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And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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