I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
