bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
