You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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