she woke up with a sticky ear
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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