my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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