She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
