alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
