The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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