You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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