So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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