I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
