If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
