bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Why are your pants in the freezer?
i believe in u and ur pee
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