Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
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We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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