What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
