fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Alive.
So much puke
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
