If i come over, it means nothing
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
