checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
