Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
