Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
