could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
