She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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