oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
