I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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