"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
