when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
