That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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