if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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