I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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