Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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