My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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