I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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