Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
