I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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