I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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