I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
