the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
