i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
