Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
