dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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