based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
