yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
